I spend money on a lot of things, far more than I should, but the thing I like most, that gives me the most pleasure for the cost is what I affectionately think of as "remnants of nonsense." The keychain with a mini backgammon board on it for my best friend, the squeaky frog toy frog toy for my mentor at the museum. Things that to 99% of the world are just cheap junk, but that I know will mean something to that one person. Rach doesn't need to be able to carry a backgammon board around with her, but she loves backgammon, the first day I spent at her house she taught me how to play. Lou doesn't need another toy frog on his desk, but he's been working on a collection ever since his boss made him dress up in a frog costume (long story) and he adores anything that we kids get for him.

The bracelet with pirate skulls on it my sister sent me. The hematite keychain and chunk of rose quartz from Rachel. The arrowhead that Lou found. Worthless, and priceless.

Honestly, my alarm clock. I'd like to say that it was sheer love of life and a willingness to greet the new day, but truthfully, I love to sleep. That said, once I'm up and awake I quite enjoy the mornings, especially early-early horseshow mornings working at the barn before the sunrises. It's very spiritual to watch the sunrise with my horse at my side. But, as I said, on a day to day basis, my alarm is the onlyt thing that gets me going.

    I have two different things I do that could be considered by job at the moment, discounting school. I don't get paid for either at the moment, I do it for the pure joy of it.
    My dream is to be a graphics designer and photographer, either freelance or maybe for a magazine or advertising company. There is never a day that goes by where I don't have something i'm working on, either a file full of photos to go through and fix up, or a logo that needs tweaked, or a poster design, something. To date I've only made $40 off of my work, but that was all for one logo that took about two hours, so that's not bad, plus I'm hoping to do some portrait sittings soon to get money in. But more than the money, I LOVE the creativity of it, figuring out what works and what doesn't and making things that previously only existed in my head is amazing. I would recommend graphics design to anyone with an artistic streak, and photography to anyone at all, anyone can hone their skills over time.
    My other "job" is as a volunteer worker at a Horse Rescue, I take care of the horses every week, help maintain the stables, and pitch in with fundraisers and events. It can be hard physical work at times, but I love the feeling that I am helping another living thing. The sound of happy horses munching on hay, knowing that they are happy and well cared for now, where they had been starved and abused, it's a good feeling. Everyone should do volunteer work at least once in their life.

    I have a cause that I've kind of adopted as my personal mission for the past few years. Any one of my friends you could pick could probably recite my rants on this topic from memory, I go on spiels so often. But it's important to me, probably more so than anything else. Gay rights- not marriage, specifically, but the entire gamut of equality; hate crime laws, representation in government, cehabitation laws, military service, at some point or another I have reasearched and debated just about every aspect of it.

    It seems like kind of a strange thing for a teenage girl in a small town to become fixated on, but it's something that hits close to home. My two best friends in the world are gay and bisexual, one of my close friends almost got kicked out of her house when she came out of the closet, two guys I am friends with have changed school because of being harassed over their sexuality. My 'adopted' sister, a former german exchange student I grew really close with, is bisexual. And all of them, at some point or another, have been harassed for it.

    Myself and another gay friend of mine tried for a year and a half to set up a Gay Straight Alliance club in our highschool, and, even though the school could not legally deny us club status, they put every obstacle in our way they could think of and managed to postpone things long enough that I, as a senior, won't get to see it happen. I organized a Tolerance Awareness Day of Silence in our school, got is approved, then the day before was told that it was against school rules and that anyone participating would be given detention. Three months prior a Day of Silence was held against abortion, and no one gave them any problems. Still, me and a handful of friends wore our Avenue Q-themes "If You Were Gay, That'd be Okay" t-shirts and stayed silent the entire day. Even a few kids who didn't support the movement stayed silent, to protest what the administration had done to us.

I can't wait until Day of Silence this spring. This year's theme? Dumbledore!

    I think I surprise myself a little bit every day, especially now that I am conciously trying to change my life for the better. For years my friends and family have referred to be as a pessimist, to which my response was always "I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist, the world just sucks." My pervasively negetive attitude had thrown me into a bit of a downward spirial, and not one that I am at all proud of. Over the summer I managed to halt my self-destructive behavior, but not for myself- the only reason I stopped self-destructing  was the look in my best friend's eyes when she learned what I was doing. I didn't care one speck about myself, but I wouldn't hurt her for anything in the world.

So, cold turkey, I stopped. I quit sliding down that hill, but I wasn't really able to pull myself up. And now that she's gone, I began to feel my grip loosening. It became clear after one too many emotional breakdowns in class that I had to improve my way of life for me, and not for her. The fact that I enough care about myself to start working on improvement surprises me. Last spring I didn't even care that much. Every day that I wake up, make myself a cup of tea and some toast and walk out the door without stepping on the scale, I surprise myself. Every day I crawl into bed at night and read for an hour to fall asleep, I surprise myself. The fact that I've traded cut-yourself-heavy-metal-punk-rock music for acoustic guitars and calming coffeehouse music surprises me. But definitly in a good kinda way.

    After reading Shawn's response, I don't know how much more I have left to say. As he said it is difficult to maintain your integrity in the world as we live in it today. The questioner, the free thinker, any person who does not fit in the box is either crushed back into shape or excluded altogether. While still a vast step up from killing those who spoke out, as used to be common, is attempting to kill one's spirit really any better? I'm not really sure.

    This will have to be something I think about more. How much integrity can one really have when many of their own decisions are out of their hands? As a highschooler in a small, rural town there aren't many options when it comes to things like where to shop (It's WalMart or nothing) what to eat (if you want to eat organic food you have to grow it yourself or drive over an hour) and many other choices. Do you lose some integrity by accepting a situation like this? It's a complex question, and one that I don't currently have an answer to.

    One of my faults is my typical unwillingness to put myself out there and meet new people. In new situations I am quiet to the point of silence, and if I know only one or two people in a group I tend to follow them around like a lost puppy. Usually any new people I meet are either through one of my current friends introducing us, or if they are the newcomer in a group I'm already comfortable with.

    I'm actually growing quite worried that my introverted nature will out me at a severe disadvantage next year, when I leave for college. Part of me hopes that being dropped in among a group of total strangers will get me to break out of my shell, but another part fears that I'll either find one friend to latch on to or spend my free time in my dorm,  talking to my old friends from home. I really wish I could overcome my shyness, but I'm not sure how to achieve it.

I have the unfortunate habit of starting a book, seeing another that catches my interest, starting that one, then repeating with another book, and sometimes even a fourth. I'm currently juggling three different books; The Year of Living Biblically, The Golden Compass, and The Princess Bride, and am about 1/3 to 1/2 of the way through each of them.

    The Year of Living Biblically was gotten at a whim, and turns out to be one of the best books I can remember reading. It boils down to the daily journal of a man who describes himself as "Jewish the way Olive Garden is an Italian restaurant. As in not very," attempting to follow every verse of the Bible, no matter how outdated, absurd, or overlooked. He also goes to visit various literalist sects, like the Amish in Pennsylvania, and the Orthodox Jews. A very funny, yet insightful book that has me thinking more about religion than I have before.

    The Golden Compass I started mainly because of all the fuss about it being "church bashing" and "devil worshipping," and I was curious to see if there was any credence whatsoever in those claims. To be completely honest, it definitly has a stance against organized religions and the plot, if interpreted metaphorically, could be seen as the Church corrupting today's youth. I can see why some people are upset. But, in it's favor, it is very, very well written with an interesting plot and somewhat complex charectars, especially for a book aimed at kids.

    The Princess Bride is fluff reading, more to be able to say that I've read the book than actual engrossment in the story. The writing style is interesting and unique, but it does tend to go off on random tangents more than I like.

Adapting. Accepting. Regretting.

Hearing my name called out in the busy halls of my school.

    Being greeted with a nicker from my horse when I walk in the barn.

The moment when the melody clicks in my mind and my fingers move faster on my violin than my eyes can read the music.

    The weight on my sholder from my best friend leaning on me as we watch the bonfire.

Standing backstage with my eyes closed, listening to the audience react to the story unfolding onstage.

    Those beautiful, haunting songs that give me goosebumps listening to them.

Sitting with my friends when we're all together, just listening to them talk.